buy any jeans necessary

So I couldn't access my gmail account because i forgot my password.
But when I logged in here, it came automatically.
... and they are one in the same. FML.

Updates: I'm in school.

I'm performing tomorrow so I'm trying to memorize my pieces..
you think this would be easy after rapping for so long..

Pause.

You should come with a remote control straight out the womb. A pause button would be so useful right now. I feel like a million and one things are moving in a million and one different directions, and I can't grasp firmly onto anything right now. Sometimes I wish things could just stop...

Crossroads are a bitch. I compare myself to virtually everyone in my closest circle all the time; upset with the results. I feel they are all moving forward with their lives; internships, jobs set up after college. everyone seems to have a plan and support for themselves. Me on the other hand? Well... I feel like I'm drifting. The fucked up part is everyone says how I'm so indecisive. The reality of the situation is 1) I'm scared of failure and 2) I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or rather, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with it. There's so much I want to accomplish, yet I don't exactly know how to get there. Every plan I come up with for myself, someone has something to say about it. Whether it be my father or mother, brother or close friends. I feel like I'm going at shit alone sometimes, trying to keep myself composed and together. But sometimes I really just want to scream. It's hard to feel like your breaking and not know what to do about it. It's just constant discouragement from everyone. I don't think my life is really bad. Its not like I feel worthless or think my situation is as bleak as it gets for individuals. I try to remind myself everyday that there are people out there who have it worse than me. But I know there are a lot who have it better as well..

I've been told, as a man, sometimes you have to make a decision and stick by it..
I've been trying.
But everyone shoots down everything.

.. On another note I'm in love with perhaps the craziest woman to grace this planet in modern times. I love her to death, honestly. But her insecurities get the better of her sometimes and it mkes things difficult for us. I don't feel like I've ever given her any reason to feel as if I want someone else. I think I'm a good guy and she emphasizes that point whenever we talk. But yet, she doesn't trust me. She says she does, but she honestly doesn't. Granted, my past isn't exactly immaculate. But in the time she's known me, I think I've proven myself to be a stark contrast to the person I was. I couldn't fathom hurting her in any way shape, or form. I've never felt for anyone like I do for her. I just want to take care of her. but the reality of the situation is I can't how I'd like to. At least not now. That shit eats at my pride as a man. And I know she understands I'm at a crossroads; she'd never ask anything of me that I couldn't do, nor be disappointed in me because she knows that I try. But the bottom line is that I feel helpless some moments. I think she'll find better than me. Someone more stable. Financially, with a plan of what they are doing with their lives. It's hard for me to say these things to her because I still struggle with some of my vulnerability.. But I guess that's why I'm writing this. No matter what reassurance she gives me, I'll always feel slightly imasculated until I get myself together. I don't want to be my father. And I don't say that harshly or out of spite or bitterness. I love the man that he is and for his perserverance in what he's had to go through. But there are parts of him that I can't ever replicate my life after. I want to do better. To be better.

Potential isn't enough.

On another completely different note..

... nevermind.

Fear

Last day of work was today. Came home, wrote to this.
This is just bits and pieces... it'll end up as a verse.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/65125233987bb407/

when I wrote it,
our souls huddle close between
equinox and solstice,

Fire in my heart,
So in my lungs is where the smoke lives,

Death is crawling closer,
But time is like the traffic,

Crowds want retribution for some promises I never made,
They interpretation of these words is solely their mistake..
I swear Jersey cries a little everytime I'm near the state,
Clouds open cuz I'm coming home, but never there to stay,

Everyone's committed to indulge exaggerations,
The truth just seems so hopeless,
The trust in words has faded,
So the ink I spill can't settle,
just runs right off the pages,
And I doubt it'll reach your ears even when I say it..
Still, my integrity is what I have to covet,
Some try and step out, I'm tryna come in,
It's best I'm light-hearted when I tell it to the public,
my glow illuminates on any doubts,
to kill the shadows of it..
I check my baggage as it arrives,
Cuz to stall is to plummet.

But some days I'm not fly, just jet lagged

thats the only black on black you seeing from me,

since eleventh grade
my heart dropped some centigrades,

eighty hour work weeks,
still feel like I'm never paid.





I haven't really sat down and written anything substantial in a while.. But I guess this is a start..

Home Is Where..

You decide to rest your head these days. Mine last night? A hookah-stained couch.

It's 10 AM and I've woken up slightly discombobulated. I wouldn't classify this as a hangover per-say, but I'm definitely a little off at the moment. Throat is raspy, can barely speak from all the smoking I did kind of thing. The absurdity of yesterday is that things started around 4 PM and didn't technically end for 12 hours. I've come to the realization that by moving here,

Pause. Inspectors are here. I'll update later.

BX nah mean?

I used to love trips to Upstate New York. The majority of my mother's side of the family resided up there, so occassionally on weekends or for holidays, we'd make the trek up in her Beige cars. (She had two, a beige jetta and a beige sportage.) We'd cut through Manhattan and hop on the George Washington, then take the Palisades Parkway up to about exit 13. The funny thing I remember is on our way to reach the G-Dub, we'd rid on the outskirts of the city and to the right of the highway was this ridiculous landform. And I had no fucking idea what it was. I remember driving by it a couple of trips, pondering what the hell was across that murky water. So after maybe the 4th trip or so, I finally inquired with the vigor and interest only six years olds are capable of.

"Mommy..."
No response.
"Mommy...!"
No response.
"Mommy..."
"Honey I'm busy."

Which was understandable, as when driving in New York, niggas gotta have they focus.
So my attention would turn.

"... Safi." (my sister)
"Sup boo?"
"What's that?"
"What's what?"
"That over there" (I point out the window)
"The Bronx."
"Oh." (I stay silent for a few seconds)
"What's the Bronx?"
No response.
End of discussion.

Seriously. That's how it went. I can't even tell you why I remember this. But even knowing the name of the spot didn't take away from its mystery. I used to look for bridges out in the open that connected where we were to over there. And I never saw any. I used to just stare at it on our way up. It was my very first landmark outside of maybe the couple of blocks I used to live on in Cambria Heights.

So fast forward to roughly 3 weeks ago.
I'm headed out to the Bronx to meet the now-girlfriend.
She tells me to hop on the bus after I get off at 181st.
I do so, after a little bit of trouble figuring out where the hell I was headed.
And then I look out the window.
And I realize I'm crossing over to the damn land mass I used to stare at when I was younger.
And then I made the connection.

I mean, maybe this shouldn't really be considered significant. But I used to be captivated with it as a kid. And God forbid we hit traffic; I'd stare at it the whole time.

Maybe part of me knew the best thing that would happen to me lived over there.

Son..

"I'ma call you a coward if you alive and suicidal, either be grateful for everything god said you supposed to get, or pull the trigger and get over it." - Budden

My favorite rapper ever.

We Claimed Saturn As Home

"that stars are more than just black holes
they embody potential
and that Saturn must be married with all those rings around her" - Her.

"Saturn's rings belong on your finger." - Me

"Saturn changed her name when she got married
and now is afraid to strip herself of her rings
she might just end up like pluto
nameless and divorced" - Her

"And I know sometimes you'd like to forget.
But even Saturn frowns on annulments,
Preferring to carry traces of past relationships
Around her as jewelry.
But wears her last ring the tightest." - Me