Steps Forward

"If your ever uncertain of how deep my love runs for you,
Just ask and i'll assure you living without you I can't afford to,
You have given me so much and for all I am grateful,
If my actions don't speak I hope my words are able.." 21 Poetz

I think I've grown a lot this past year. Just from strides taken to mending bridges with family and a couple of friends; looking at myself differently, developing a sense of confidence rather than the illusion of it. And I feel good about myself. At least, I have lately. Being around my nieces and nephews more and more has kind of grounded me. They've helped me put things into much needed perspective. I recognize how I was when I was their age and a lot of the things I'd request (ex: Uncle Jason can you sleep in my room? Uncle Jason can you wash me up?) and how the roles have officially reversed. And so, I feel like a man. Or I'm closer than I've ever been.

I want to be able to provide for them and give them things I didn't have growing up. I never really understood the significance of being that rock for somebody else. I grew up the youngest, and probably most spoiled out of siblings. No one really looked to me for shit. These days, it's a different story. I know I talk about these things as if they are some new found epiphanies but, honestly, it's just nice to verbalize what I'm tossing back and forth in my head. Even if it's to no one at all. Words make everything real to me.

Speaking of tossing things back and forth, I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to get into specifics because, well, its my decision and mine alone. And I know the direction I'm leaning towards. But I'm scared to go that route. A sign from the cosmos would be nice that I'm making the right decision. I'm just delaying... the inevitable?

Oh yeah. By the way world. I'm in love.

I went back and read my old Xanga entries from high school. It was something like a time capsule buried in the back of my old Computer applications e-mail account. And well... damn.

"It was a crazy day today.

Went to play basketball at some suburban middle school.... Wut was crazy is that me, muh bro and muh brotha in laws was bout to start scraping wit' some dudes on da court lol. It aswas a 5 on 5 and dey wuz smokin weed b4 we started playin. So every foul they'd complain or w/e but they'd foul us n we wouldnt say nuffin. so.. me being pissed off, i started playin a lil rough. Turns out I guard da big ass muthafuka who drops his shoulder into my chest knockin me bak. (he's lik.. a grown ass man so that shit hurt). I was pissed so I 'accidently' hit him in the face as I go forward.... Dat didn't go so well. He immediately stops dribblin n starts talkin shit. Only if I wuz a lil bigger I woulda scrapped wit' him on the court. It was funny tho. So yea long story short, they talked shit, we talked shit, no fight broke out tho cuz da cops starting circling the court n shit. it was w/e tho.

I knocked out for bout 3 hours today afta da game. It was SO DAMN HOT outside yo I swear... Right now I'm at my father-in-law's house. Its kinda tight cuz all my brother-in-laws (4 in all) are here. Its tough.

Its been 44 days, 21 hours and 14 minutes since we broke up

That was so damn random but yea... That constitutes the longest amount of time I haven't been wit' my amor.... *tear moment*

On anotha note... I got mad Polos and prep clothez now. Gonna b lookin lik kanye lol.

Iight... I'm ghost.. WUN!"

or how about the 2005 entry...

"ight I dont even rele get on this a lot n e more... muh boi jeff got me back up on it.. i ono y im writing this ish out rite here.. just got out of football practice.. tired as hell... same routine has been goin on recently everyyyyy day wen it comes to da summer. Wake up, eat, shower, skool, practice, home, eat, sleep, and den it all ova again. I kinda feel juss restricted i guess.. recently things have been gettin a lil easier but its like.. I still feel like I'm missing sumthin.. someone.. damn it would be our 20th month anniversary 2morrow too. I can't believe we've been broken up for a month already. I dont know how I got thru all these damn days.. juss existin n shit.. I mean the first few weeks were literally hell.. I was never hurt in my life as bad as I was then but... then i started noticing a lot about myself and what was said that wuz tru.. dat i wuz too dependent on her for a lot of my happiness a lot of the time and i needed to break out of that habit.. and then it kinda hit me that we might possibly be over so I needed to start ya kno.. trying to let go. I been successful wit one of the two.. its like, now, wen im not thinkin bout her I'm happy.. wen im doin things for myself. but then when it comes to the point where she is on my mind, i go like compeltely crazy b/c she becomes the only thing thats on my mind. I've been trying to let go for the longest now.. shit hasnt worked.. I still get nervous when I hear her voice on the phone, still feel my heart jump and my breath shorten some.. its fucked up what love does to you sometimes.. I mean.. I ono.. I love being in love.. cuz I KNOW for all of my life that I still am.. that there is no way I even wanna think about goin to another gurl cuz, truthfully, i cant picture myself wit n e one but her.. but.. at the same time is this supposed to b how it is? am i supposed to be caught up so much and not be able to even lik, have feelings for sumone else? or is it like, i ono n e more.. I juss miss ha so damn much... See its time like these I listen to my heart instead of my head... I ono tho... and then its all the damn memories... I can't escape em.. not in the morning.. not at night.. not eva.. weneva im alone or have a lil bit of time to myself, the ONLY thing I think about is what we've been thru.. how we made it thru a lot of ish.. I ono.. I wish we could work it out for the life of me... I wish a lot of things... so many damn regrets... juss.. everythin seems like a burden.. I look back on a lot of shit that I've done or said or my state of mind in life at certain points and im juss amazed at my audacity... my stupidity... my false concern for the well-being of others, especially the people that were closest to me.. the person closest to me actually. I know I'll never find anyone who loves me as much as she does... I can feel it in me.. everytime we are even near each otha... every time we kiss.. hug... talk... anything at all... I feel dat connection... Its crazy we kind of do have a connection with each otha like I can wake up in the morning and kind of know in my deepest part of my heart that I'm gonna see her or talk to her or sumthin is gonna happen or I can feel it like wen shes gonna call or wen i pick up my phone I know its gonna b her.. and juss... its crazy.. maybe its all coincidence..? We told each otha we loved each otha on the same time... previous to that day... she aint believe in love and I was fooled thinkin i rele felt it.. mayb we felt it then.. but I know sumtimes there is sumthin deeper than love.. sumthin more... unexplainable. I wish i could. but I KNOW thats what I feel. I would honestly DIE for jhoanna. I would do anything at all for her... maybe its this dangerously close connection that scared us to the point that we broke up. our fear of gettin hurt... of ending up messed up and depressed and juss... no words to say it... I just know that I would rather deal with the possibility of... havin my heart broke in your hands then keeping it to myself.. and its kind of sad b/c u still have it.. u still holdin' it.. I wish u wuznt sumtimes but i kno itz basically impossible for me to change that.. maybe time will.. mayb thats wut we're tryin to see.. but till then every time i think about u a smile is gonna creep across my face and a tear is gonna roll down my cheek.. my heart is gonna go a lil faster and my breath get a lil shorter... but if what we have is that strong... If it is... I know I'll have you in my arms again... where I can have that cloud nine feeling... where it can be like... im untouchable, that nuffin in the entire WORLD or LIFE matters except me...being wit u... and seeing u happy... thats all I want... I am compeltely, totally, truthfully, deeply and amazingly in LOVE with you (or perhaps deeper) jhoanna. Damn.. I just noticed how long this wuz... if it means n e thing.. happy 20th anniversary.. I love you. I miss you"

Ayo. Real talk. Emotions are a bitch lol. And what was up with my spelling back then? Did I think it was cool to misspell virtually every word in the English language? I'd have a field day with this entry now if it were someone else. But that's life right? All in the experience..

Oh wait... check the sophomore year pen skills.

Regret living, this mythril-like text express feelings,
Retain stress, sense progress hindered from bad dealings,
Unless respect developed, nah its like no rest from pressures,
Conscience consistent in scolding my adolesence desperate measures,
Fuck these times whenever I been constantly craving the blax,
My fingertips dirty from the work, its been hard laying these tracks,
Lead tipped like the vodka, from druken rages to intoxication,
"I ain't doin' shit..." at least thats what the fake father's saying,
Like I ain't hitting records, shit I got records to hit back with,
Ski-mask shit, the type to put lighter fluid on ya mattress,
Nah that is, just a random thought conjured from teenage years,
Sixteen in a month? What? Can't believe I made it there?
If not, me either, fuck deceit and lies, now I'll be true to you,
Lifes a bitch at times, tell Kweli the struggle ain't always beautiful,
I'm tired of hearing, "Damn it, we don't know what to do with you,"
"Maybe Atlanta will change you, cuz right now Jay your pitiful,"
Ayo, I'm not ya seed, never will be, don't get it twisted,
You ain't providing motivation for this legend to get lifted,
And listen, yea I'm conceeded at times, but I got reasons,
Fuck it... I'm gone from reality... on to dreaming...

... I was mad as shit apparently.

I wonder if, in five years, I'll be looking back at myself now and laughing at this blog as much as I am the older one?