buy any jeans necessary

So I couldn't access my gmail account because i forgot my password.
But when I logged in here, it came automatically.
... and they are one in the same. FML.

Updates: I'm in school.

I'm performing tomorrow so I'm trying to memorize my pieces..
you think this would be easy after rapping for so long..

Pause.

You should come with a remote control straight out the womb. A pause button would be so useful right now. I feel like a million and one things are moving in a million and one different directions, and I can't grasp firmly onto anything right now. Sometimes I wish things could just stop...

Crossroads are a bitch. I compare myself to virtually everyone in my closest circle all the time; upset with the results. I feel they are all moving forward with their lives; internships, jobs set up after college. everyone seems to have a plan and support for themselves. Me on the other hand? Well... I feel like I'm drifting. The fucked up part is everyone says how I'm so indecisive. The reality of the situation is 1) I'm scared of failure and 2) I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or rather, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with it. There's so much I want to accomplish, yet I don't exactly know how to get there. Every plan I come up with for myself, someone has something to say about it. Whether it be my father or mother, brother or close friends. I feel like I'm going at shit alone sometimes, trying to keep myself composed and together. But sometimes I really just want to scream. It's hard to feel like your breaking and not know what to do about it. It's just constant discouragement from everyone. I don't think my life is really bad. Its not like I feel worthless or think my situation is as bleak as it gets for individuals. I try to remind myself everyday that there are people out there who have it worse than me. But I know there are a lot who have it better as well..

I've been told, as a man, sometimes you have to make a decision and stick by it..
I've been trying.
But everyone shoots down everything.

.. On another note I'm in love with perhaps the craziest woman to grace this planet in modern times. I love her to death, honestly. But her insecurities get the better of her sometimes and it mkes things difficult for us. I don't feel like I've ever given her any reason to feel as if I want someone else. I think I'm a good guy and she emphasizes that point whenever we talk. But yet, she doesn't trust me. She says she does, but she honestly doesn't. Granted, my past isn't exactly immaculate. But in the time she's known me, I think I've proven myself to be a stark contrast to the person I was. I couldn't fathom hurting her in any way shape, or form. I've never felt for anyone like I do for her. I just want to take care of her. but the reality of the situation is I can't how I'd like to. At least not now. That shit eats at my pride as a man. And I know she understands I'm at a crossroads; she'd never ask anything of me that I couldn't do, nor be disappointed in me because she knows that I try. But the bottom line is that I feel helpless some moments. I think she'll find better than me. Someone more stable. Financially, with a plan of what they are doing with their lives. It's hard for me to say these things to her because I still struggle with some of my vulnerability.. But I guess that's why I'm writing this. No matter what reassurance she gives me, I'll always feel slightly imasculated until I get myself together. I don't want to be my father. And I don't say that harshly or out of spite or bitterness. I love the man that he is and for his perserverance in what he's had to go through. But there are parts of him that I can't ever replicate my life after. I want to do better. To be better.

Potential isn't enough.

On another completely different note..

... nevermind.

Fear

Last day of work was today. Came home, wrote to this.
This is just bits and pieces... it'll end up as a verse.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/65125233987bb407/

when I wrote it,
our souls huddle close between
equinox and solstice,

Fire in my heart,
So in my lungs is where the smoke lives,

Death is crawling closer,
But time is like the traffic,

Crowds want retribution for some promises I never made,
They interpretation of these words is solely their mistake..
I swear Jersey cries a little everytime I'm near the state,
Clouds open cuz I'm coming home, but never there to stay,

Everyone's committed to indulge exaggerations,
The truth just seems so hopeless,
The trust in words has faded,
So the ink I spill can't settle,
just runs right off the pages,
And I doubt it'll reach your ears even when I say it..
Still, my integrity is what I have to covet,
Some try and step out, I'm tryna come in,
It's best I'm light-hearted when I tell it to the public,
my glow illuminates on any doubts,
to kill the shadows of it..
I check my baggage as it arrives,
Cuz to stall is to plummet.

But some days I'm not fly, just jet lagged

thats the only black on black you seeing from me,

since eleventh grade
my heart dropped some centigrades,

eighty hour work weeks,
still feel like I'm never paid.





I haven't really sat down and written anything substantial in a while.. But I guess this is a start..

Home Is Where..

You decide to rest your head these days. Mine last night? A hookah-stained couch.

It's 10 AM and I've woken up slightly discombobulated. I wouldn't classify this as a hangover per-say, but I'm definitely a little off at the moment. Throat is raspy, can barely speak from all the smoking I did kind of thing. The absurdity of yesterday is that things started around 4 PM and didn't technically end for 12 hours. I've come to the realization that by moving here,

Pause. Inspectors are here. I'll update later.

BX nah mean?

I used to love trips to Upstate New York. The majority of my mother's side of the family resided up there, so occassionally on weekends or for holidays, we'd make the trek up in her Beige cars. (She had two, a beige jetta and a beige sportage.) We'd cut through Manhattan and hop on the George Washington, then take the Palisades Parkway up to about exit 13. The funny thing I remember is on our way to reach the G-Dub, we'd rid on the outskirts of the city and to the right of the highway was this ridiculous landform. And I had no fucking idea what it was. I remember driving by it a couple of trips, pondering what the hell was across that murky water. So after maybe the 4th trip or so, I finally inquired with the vigor and interest only six years olds are capable of.

"Mommy..."
No response.
"Mommy...!"
No response.
"Mommy..."
"Honey I'm busy."

Which was understandable, as when driving in New York, niggas gotta have they focus.
So my attention would turn.

"... Safi." (my sister)
"Sup boo?"
"What's that?"
"What's what?"
"That over there" (I point out the window)
"The Bronx."
"Oh." (I stay silent for a few seconds)
"What's the Bronx?"
No response.
End of discussion.

Seriously. That's how it went. I can't even tell you why I remember this. But even knowing the name of the spot didn't take away from its mystery. I used to look for bridges out in the open that connected where we were to over there. And I never saw any. I used to just stare at it on our way up. It was my very first landmark outside of maybe the couple of blocks I used to live on in Cambria Heights.

So fast forward to roughly 3 weeks ago.
I'm headed out to the Bronx to meet the now-girlfriend.
She tells me to hop on the bus after I get off at 181st.
I do so, after a little bit of trouble figuring out where the hell I was headed.
And then I look out the window.
And I realize I'm crossing over to the damn land mass I used to stare at when I was younger.
And then I made the connection.

I mean, maybe this shouldn't really be considered significant. But I used to be captivated with it as a kid. And God forbid we hit traffic; I'd stare at it the whole time.

Maybe part of me knew the best thing that would happen to me lived over there.

Son..

"I'ma call you a coward if you alive and suicidal, either be grateful for everything god said you supposed to get, or pull the trigger and get over it." - Budden

My favorite rapper ever.

We Claimed Saturn As Home

"that stars are more than just black holes
they embody potential
and that Saturn must be married with all those rings around her" - Her.

"Saturn's rings belong on your finger." - Me

"Saturn changed her name when she got married
and now is afraid to strip herself of her rings
she might just end up like pluto
nameless and divorced" - Her

"And I know sometimes you'd like to forget.
But even Saturn frowns on annulments,
Preferring to carry traces of past relationships
Around her as jewelry.
But wears her last ring the tightest." - Me

"Excuse Me..

... while my heart attacks." - the girlfriend.

I wrote this the end of May. And never put it up.

"..want old loves, rock and republics, with black stitching, trying to make up for what you lacked every black christmas. its kind of amazing, my ends not just meeting, their really well acquainted, although I never say it, downplayed out of necessity, but standing next to me, my crew encouraged me 2 make it.."
Honestly though, these kicks are probably the only Jordans I ever really wanted. But enough about that. I have to clear the air on some things real quick.

"She haunted by they laughter, shadows juss harass her, confined and isolated she delays those coming after, I'm trying to surpass the, graves around your heart, so, let me help your caspers lay still with they cadavers... I thought that we could smoke this cancer, one cigarette for every nigga that had had her, your allure I allude to, this ink builds rapport, I know I'm not what you used to but this is nothin' like before.."

(<--- this is Mayte. New Love.) She makes me smile. Not necessarily in the traditional crush sense. In the sense that, I'm starting to smile at her imperfections. Like those two ridiculously large front teeth she has. (I chose this picture for emphasis on the teeth.) And I'm not the kind of guy who really goes to such lengths to declare something like this. Once I come to terms with a certain way that I'm feeling, I might disclose it on the sly, because I feel giving it an audience might, i don't know, lessen it in some way? But whatever. The story behind our introduction is... hilarious now that I think about it. She intimidated me from the moment she took my fitted off my head and rocked it while we ate at some pasta factory spot up in Philly. My ex-girlfriends' ex girl friend. She proceeded to interrogate me as my stomach decided to rebel, and came to the conclusion that I was "silent, but likeable". Fast forward to my decision of going to the Air Force. THIS individual hopped on the phone and gave me a 20 minute spiel as to why such a move would be detrimental to my future. We weren't even tight, but she felt the need to say something. Between random smart-ass comments through facebook, we began to talk again almost a year later. Then I discovered she was a poet. She doesn't just write poetry; she's a poet. I think that anyone can sit down and jot down a few metaphors that sound clever to come out as a poem on any given day. A poet, on the other hand, understands the magnitude of words. Language becomes something closer to air and so poet's leave a little piece of their soul in each and every one of their compositions. I think that in itself is something beautiful. So long story short, she climbed the ladder some. Over the past couple of months, I've fallen in love with (the majority of..) her writing and what she can do with words. Her truth behind her words is sometimes painful, sometimes humorous, sometimes disheartening, but (almost, 90 percent) always real. Granted, she hangs up on people... but whatever.

Some of my favorite quotables:
(excuse me if I don't write them verbatim.)
"Human loneliness is frowned upon. Atomic loneliness is deemed unstable."

"i want to be clothed in nothing but your epithelials" (I had to google that word..)

"He's scared of his own light, so I let him borrow some of mine."

"And Saturn must be married with all those rings around her.."

"I write with black ink because pen's don't come in Dominican"

"Because to me its nothing but a book with a shy author.." (in reference 2 the bible)

"I wish to transfer to Hogwarts... or at least go there for graduate school." (not in a poem at all... but...lmao)

Her honest and opinionated pieces have pushed me to integrate my own truths into my writing. I used to want to come up with the most clever shit... and even though I wrote from feeling, I never pushed it too far because there's a certain level of honesty I never wanted to disclose. But that's what beauty is; complete, unrestrained. highly vulnerable. So I'm not going to go half-assed with things now just to "wow" a reader. I want them to understand the why behind what I wrote. Why it was written. What part of me that I'm trying to paint a picture of. And I want the image I paint with my words to be burned into their minds. I want feeling, not just reaction.. if that makes any sense. I want to write a poem that simultaneously breaks me down and builds someone else up. She's inspired me to push my writing in that direction.

Steps Forward

"If your ever uncertain of how deep my love runs for you,
Just ask and i'll assure you living without you I can't afford to,
You have given me so much and for all I am grateful,
If my actions don't speak I hope my words are able.." 21 Poetz

I think I've grown a lot this past year. Just from strides taken to mending bridges with family and a couple of friends; looking at myself differently, developing a sense of confidence rather than the illusion of it. And I feel good about myself. At least, I have lately. Being around my nieces and nephews more and more has kind of grounded me. They've helped me put things into much needed perspective. I recognize how I was when I was their age and a lot of the things I'd request (ex: Uncle Jason can you sleep in my room? Uncle Jason can you wash me up?) and how the roles have officially reversed. And so, I feel like a man. Or I'm closer than I've ever been.

I want to be able to provide for them and give them things I didn't have growing up. I never really understood the significance of being that rock for somebody else. I grew up the youngest, and probably most spoiled out of siblings. No one really looked to me for shit. These days, it's a different story. I know I talk about these things as if they are some new found epiphanies but, honestly, it's just nice to verbalize what I'm tossing back and forth in my head. Even if it's to no one at all. Words make everything real to me.

Speaking of tossing things back and forth, I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to get into specifics because, well, its my decision and mine alone. And I know the direction I'm leaning towards. But I'm scared to go that route. A sign from the cosmos would be nice that I'm making the right decision. I'm just delaying... the inevitable?

Oh yeah. By the way world. I'm in love.

I went back and read my old Xanga entries from high school. It was something like a time capsule buried in the back of my old Computer applications e-mail account. And well... damn.

"It was a crazy day today.

Went to play basketball at some suburban middle school.... Wut was crazy is that me, muh bro and muh brotha in laws was bout to start scraping wit' some dudes on da court lol. It aswas a 5 on 5 and dey wuz smokin weed b4 we started playin. So every foul they'd complain or w/e but they'd foul us n we wouldnt say nuffin. so.. me being pissed off, i started playin a lil rough. Turns out I guard da big ass muthafuka who drops his shoulder into my chest knockin me bak. (he's lik.. a grown ass man so that shit hurt). I was pissed so I 'accidently' hit him in the face as I go forward.... Dat didn't go so well. He immediately stops dribblin n starts talkin shit. Only if I wuz a lil bigger I woulda scrapped wit' him on the court. It was funny tho. So yea long story short, they talked shit, we talked shit, no fight broke out tho cuz da cops starting circling the court n shit. it was w/e tho.

I knocked out for bout 3 hours today afta da game. It was SO DAMN HOT outside yo I swear... Right now I'm at my father-in-law's house. Its kinda tight cuz all my brother-in-laws (4 in all) are here. Its tough.

Its been 44 days, 21 hours and 14 minutes since we broke up

That was so damn random but yea... That constitutes the longest amount of time I haven't been wit' my amor.... *tear moment*

On anotha note... I got mad Polos and prep clothez now. Gonna b lookin lik kanye lol.

Iight... I'm ghost.. WUN!"

or how about the 2005 entry...

"ight I dont even rele get on this a lot n e more... muh boi jeff got me back up on it.. i ono y im writing this ish out rite here.. just got out of football practice.. tired as hell... same routine has been goin on recently everyyyyy day wen it comes to da summer. Wake up, eat, shower, skool, practice, home, eat, sleep, and den it all ova again. I kinda feel juss restricted i guess.. recently things have been gettin a lil easier but its like.. I still feel like I'm missing sumthin.. someone.. damn it would be our 20th month anniversary 2morrow too. I can't believe we've been broken up for a month already. I dont know how I got thru all these damn days.. juss existin n shit.. I mean the first few weeks were literally hell.. I was never hurt in my life as bad as I was then but... then i started noticing a lot about myself and what was said that wuz tru.. dat i wuz too dependent on her for a lot of my happiness a lot of the time and i needed to break out of that habit.. and then it kinda hit me that we might possibly be over so I needed to start ya kno.. trying to let go. I been successful wit one of the two.. its like, now, wen im not thinkin bout her I'm happy.. wen im doin things for myself. but then when it comes to the point where she is on my mind, i go like compeltely crazy b/c she becomes the only thing thats on my mind. I've been trying to let go for the longest now.. shit hasnt worked.. I still get nervous when I hear her voice on the phone, still feel my heart jump and my breath shorten some.. its fucked up what love does to you sometimes.. I mean.. I ono.. I love being in love.. cuz I KNOW for all of my life that I still am.. that there is no way I even wanna think about goin to another gurl cuz, truthfully, i cant picture myself wit n e one but her.. but.. at the same time is this supposed to b how it is? am i supposed to be caught up so much and not be able to even lik, have feelings for sumone else? or is it like, i ono n e more.. I juss miss ha so damn much... See its time like these I listen to my heart instead of my head... I ono tho... and then its all the damn memories... I can't escape em.. not in the morning.. not at night.. not eva.. weneva im alone or have a lil bit of time to myself, the ONLY thing I think about is what we've been thru.. how we made it thru a lot of ish.. I ono.. I wish we could work it out for the life of me... I wish a lot of things... so many damn regrets... juss.. everythin seems like a burden.. I look back on a lot of shit that I've done or said or my state of mind in life at certain points and im juss amazed at my audacity... my stupidity... my false concern for the well-being of others, especially the people that were closest to me.. the person closest to me actually. I know I'll never find anyone who loves me as much as she does... I can feel it in me.. everytime we are even near each otha... every time we kiss.. hug... talk... anything at all... I feel dat connection... Its crazy we kind of do have a connection with each otha like I can wake up in the morning and kind of know in my deepest part of my heart that I'm gonna see her or talk to her or sumthin is gonna happen or I can feel it like wen shes gonna call or wen i pick up my phone I know its gonna b her.. and juss... its crazy.. maybe its all coincidence..? We told each otha we loved each otha on the same time... previous to that day... she aint believe in love and I was fooled thinkin i rele felt it.. mayb we felt it then.. but I know sumtimes there is sumthin deeper than love.. sumthin more... unexplainable. I wish i could. but I KNOW thats what I feel. I would honestly DIE for jhoanna. I would do anything at all for her... maybe its this dangerously close connection that scared us to the point that we broke up. our fear of gettin hurt... of ending up messed up and depressed and juss... no words to say it... I just know that I would rather deal with the possibility of... havin my heart broke in your hands then keeping it to myself.. and its kind of sad b/c u still have it.. u still holdin' it.. I wish u wuznt sumtimes but i kno itz basically impossible for me to change that.. maybe time will.. mayb thats wut we're tryin to see.. but till then every time i think about u a smile is gonna creep across my face and a tear is gonna roll down my cheek.. my heart is gonna go a lil faster and my breath get a lil shorter... but if what we have is that strong... If it is... I know I'll have you in my arms again... where I can have that cloud nine feeling... where it can be like... im untouchable, that nuffin in the entire WORLD or LIFE matters except me...being wit u... and seeing u happy... thats all I want... I am compeltely, totally, truthfully, deeply and amazingly in LOVE with you (or perhaps deeper) jhoanna. Damn.. I just noticed how long this wuz... if it means n e thing.. happy 20th anniversary.. I love you. I miss you"

Ayo. Real talk. Emotions are a bitch lol. And what was up with my spelling back then? Did I think it was cool to misspell virtually every word in the English language? I'd have a field day with this entry now if it were someone else. But that's life right? All in the experience..

Oh wait... check the sophomore year pen skills.

Regret living, this mythril-like text express feelings,
Retain stress, sense progress hindered from bad dealings,
Unless respect developed, nah its like no rest from pressures,
Conscience consistent in scolding my adolesence desperate measures,
Fuck these times whenever I been constantly craving the blax,
My fingertips dirty from the work, its been hard laying these tracks,
Lead tipped like the vodka, from druken rages to intoxication,
"I ain't doin' shit..." at least thats what the fake father's saying,
Like I ain't hitting records, shit I got records to hit back with,
Ski-mask shit, the type to put lighter fluid on ya mattress,
Nah that is, just a random thought conjured from teenage years,
Sixteen in a month? What? Can't believe I made it there?
If not, me either, fuck deceit and lies, now I'll be true to you,
Lifes a bitch at times, tell Kweli the struggle ain't always beautiful,
I'm tired of hearing, "Damn it, we don't know what to do with you,"
"Maybe Atlanta will change you, cuz right now Jay your pitiful,"
Ayo, I'm not ya seed, never will be, don't get it twisted,
You ain't providing motivation for this legend to get lifted,
And listen, yea I'm conceeded at times, but I got reasons,
Fuck it... I'm gone from reality... on to dreaming...

... I was mad as shit apparently.

I wonder if, in five years, I'll be looking back at myself now and laughing at this blog as much as I am the older one?

The Corners

Isn't that the point of art? Capturing the corners of your soul and everything in between?

Word.

Halfway finished with writing. Six tracks. Peace to Melo-X for his instrumental interpretation of Maxwell's album. Took that and ran with it...

1. This Is For You (Produced by Melo-X)
2. Forgive Me (Produced by Melo-X)
3. Collision (Produced by Melo-X)
4. Gravity (Produced by Melo-X)
5. The Future (Produced by Melo-X)
6. Street Lights (Produced by Melo-X)

Maxwell's Instrumental Remix EP Produced by MeLo-X Presented by Okayplayer.com

MeLo-X Returns with another Instrumental EP inspired by a new modern day classic, Maxwell's BLACKsummers'night. Many producers pull from the past for there sampled records but in this project MeLo-X pulls from newly released Album's too create his own interpretations of these artist's work. His past Remix EP's for Raphael Saadiq and Amy Winehouse Gained alot of Respect in the producer world as well as the Blogosphere and has even caught the attention of Mark Ronson. With this EP, he ventures in to Spacey time Travel as he chops up Maxwell's new Album too create this head nodding rhythm driven project. This is a new type of project for producers to begin creating. Actually taking a brand new album and Sampling it to create new classic Electronic, HipHop and Soul Music. This is the First Single called "The Highest" Which is Sampled from Maxwell's Bad Habits.

The EP drops Officially on Tuesday July 28th with OkayPlayer.com

For more info on MeLo-X Visit these Sites:

MeLo-X.tv
Myspace.com/MeLoXtra
Twitter.com/MeLoXtra
Imeem.com/BKMeLo

I Think...

Sometimes,
I think we were joysticks to each other in a 2 player game.
Opposable thumbs ran over X's and O's,
so ready to give our love to something that wasn't reality.

We came used,
under the guise of winter holidays,
with no manual to help us navigate.

And every gesture,
became pixelated.
Every action? Was controlled.
So it got to the point that,
even though I knew it wasn't real I went through with every action.
We were ill equipped to conquer next levels.
So we ran like demos,
knowing nothing was beyond and yet always wanting more.

But I could tell you off-hand,
the secret to life was never hidden in Konami codes.

You left me unplugged,
scratched and worn,
my larynx barely clutching onto frayed chords.
So the discs in my spine can never smoothly
play back the love in my heart.

This is far from finished.

I'm Feeling Like...

... this.

Pause.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=3WYNNRZ3

Slaughterhouse Album.

ControllHER

"Sometimes I think we were joysticks to each other in a 2 player game. Opposable thumbs ran over X's and O's, so ready to give our love to something that wasn't reality." - Me

I wrote a whole piece like this. But that pretty much sums it up.

Lights, Camera..

I want to sit on a worn black crate on 42nd Street with my Stratocaster strapped to my back and my amp by my feet. I want to churn out the worst of me in a six-string voice, and have people drop spare dollars and nickels in my overturned New York fitted. And then I want to get a cipher going in the middle of Times Square. Enough to shut down traffic as we spit knowledge over car horns and the cries of frustrated pedestrians. I want to learn how to tag trains, and then maybe be so bold as to tag those horse carriages that carry tourists around Central Park. I want my life to be movie scene, after movie scene, after musical act, after movie scene.

The Ink Of The Timeless

We used to live in eternity together. And after I was torn from that cluster of souls, I traced shadows of your name with five month young fingers on the walls of my mothers womb. I cried during birth because you weren't here with me yet. And I've waited my whole life to ask you for directions on how to get back.

The Good The Bad The Ugly

"I've finally figured it out after 50 plus years of living. Guys aren't inherently bad. Women make us this way." - Kevin Dock

"No seriously Jay. We don't have one shining example of a marriage in our family that has lasted. Minus Kiki, and that only works cuz she went down to Paradise (lol)" - Kat

So while my computer is halfway frozen and not allowing my IM box to come up, I've got an issue to address with modern day America. Who the fuck lipo'd the word commitment? That word used to hold weight back in the day. Last statistic I've heard, this country has a 52 percent divorce rate. Fifty-two percent. Think of how many single-parent households that children are shuffling between on weekdays and weekends? How many are forced to become involved in the power struggles separated or divorced adults usually go through? I guess I feel like this because of the recent scare involving my brother and his own wife. While she recently changed her mind, and I'm thankful for it, I can't help but still feel a little bitter that divorce was even an option to consider. I feel that once your married with children, shit isn't about you anymore. Everyone is so focused on their own personal happiness they fail to recognize the sanctity that is marriage. Life long commitment. When your with someone, and you've chosen to reproduce with that person, and you have kids, your life isn't yours anymore. Once your a parent, your life is your children's. Your happiness should be derived from their successes. I know what it's like to grow up always wanting to please both parents but constantly thinking your falling short of that. And it was hard to think of my niece and nephews having to endure that same kind of life. I felt by pleasing my mother, i'd be disappointing my father and vice versa. And no amount of re-assurrement from either one of them could erase that thought from the back of my mind. It was always the little things. The snide remarks or comments and little gestures back and forth between them after the divorce that made me feel like that. Kids are perceptive. They take in everything and don't know how to handle it all. I just think that when I take on a wife and start a family, my children will be my life. Marriage is a serious thing. If you don't understand the gravity of it, fall back. Because by fucking that up, chances are, you won't just be affecting your life. I wish people were smarter...

Ventilation

I just want a phone call. And a phone conversation. That doesn't end so fucking abruptly. Maybe I'm just real irritable when I'm tired. Maybe I'm being real bitch-made right now. Blogging about some wack shit like this. But yo. A nigga wants a phone conversation? Can he get his phone conversation? It doesn't have to be some extravagant shit where we race to reach the Sun...

... midway through the blog, she made me laugh.

And now I'm fine.
How does she do it?

Graphite Hearts

You gave me a page out of your journal today.
Handed me a crumpled paper with your heart drawn in the slightest trace of pencil.
It was worn and wrinkled.
But I swear I never saw gray so vibrant.
I smiled as you told me everything looks better in graphite.
That those marks came long ago from hard rock.
And well, I never expected a fresh sheet.
I couldn't put it up to my ears and hear it beat.
So I had to settle for digesting you with my eyes -
carrying around your graphite heart on loose leaf in my right pocket.
Next to prizes from McDonald's happy meals.
I know it took you so much effort to tear from your spiral back spine.
I wanted the song, not just the lyrics.
But I know you've buried your headphones in stacked crates in dark closets.
Next to skeletons,
And its hard to find the light switch.
But you gave me your graphite heart.
And I apologize if I made you feel it wasn't enough.
I know that paper is fragile -
That your scared I might erase the very traces of you from it.
But I deal with the smudges,
And go over it in ink.
Cuz I think we could become permanent.