Pause.

You should come with a remote control straight out the womb. A pause button would be so useful right now. I feel like a million and one things are moving in a million and one different directions, and I can't grasp firmly onto anything right now. Sometimes I wish things could just stop...

Crossroads are a bitch. I compare myself to virtually everyone in my closest circle all the time; upset with the results. I feel they are all moving forward with their lives; internships, jobs set up after college. everyone seems to have a plan and support for themselves. Me on the other hand? Well... I feel like I'm drifting. The fucked up part is everyone says how I'm so indecisive. The reality of the situation is 1) I'm scared of failure and 2) I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or rather, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with it. There's so much I want to accomplish, yet I don't exactly know how to get there. Every plan I come up with for myself, someone has something to say about it. Whether it be my father or mother, brother or close friends. I feel like I'm going at shit alone sometimes, trying to keep myself composed and together. But sometimes I really just want to scream. It's hard to feel like your breaking and not know what to do about it. It's just constant discouragement from everyone. I don't think my life is really bad. Its not like I feel worthless or think my situation is as bleak as it gets for individuals. I try to remind myself everyday that there are people out there who have it worse than me. But I know there are a lot who have it better as well..

I've been told, as a man, sometimes you have to make a decision and stick by it..
I've been trying.
But everyone shoots down everything.

.. On another note I'm in love with perhaps the craziest woman to grace this planet in modern times. I love her to death, honestly. But her insecurities get the better of her sometimes and it mkes things difficult for us. I don't feel like I've ever given her any reason to feel as if I want someone else. I think I'm a good guy and she emphasizes that point whenever we talk. But yet, she doesn't trust me. She says she does, but she honestly doesn't. Granted, my past isn't exactly immaculate. But in the time she's known me, I think I've proven myself to be a stark contrast to the person I was. I couldn't fathom hurting her in any way shape, or form. I've never felt for anyone like I do for her. I just want to take care of her. but the reality of the situation is I can't how I'd like to. At least not now. That shit eats at my pride as a man. And I know she understands I'm at a crossroads; she'd never ask anything of me that I couldn't do, nor be disappointed in me because she knows that I try. But the bottom line is that I feel helpless some moments. I think she'll find better than me. Someone more stable. Financially, with a plan of what they are doing with their lives. It's hard for me to say these things to her because I still struggle with some of my vulnerability.. But I guess that's why I'm writing this. No matter what reassurance she gives me, I'll always feel slightly imasculated until I get myself together. I don't want to be my father. And I don't say that harshly or out of spite or bitterness. I love the man that he is and for his perserverance in what he's had to go through. But there are parts of him that I can't ever replicate my life after. I want to do better. To be better.

Potential isn't enough.

On another completely different note..

... nevermind.